After a couple weeks delay, it's time to finally finish off this Hallowe'en special! A duology of three parts, Halloween keeps on chugging. We left off last time half way through the first Twilight movie; Edward has just revealed himself to Bella as a twinkly vampire, she still trusts him and a confusing mammalian metaphor.
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| Biblical reference or not, it does not make sense in this context |
So Bella is now "unconditionally and irrevocably" in love with Edward. Either that, or his "camouflage" is doing its job.
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| Picture relevant |
Bella asks Edward if somebody needs to be dying to become a vampire, and Edward explains how he became one. It was 1918 and he was dying of Spanish Influenza; according to Wikipedia:
Most influenza outbreaks disproportionately kill juvenile, elderly, or already weakened patients; in contrast the 1918 pandemic killed predominantly previously healthy young adults. Modern research, using virus taken from the bodies of frozen victims, has concluded that the virus kills through a cytokine storm (overreaction of the body's immune system). The strong immune reactions of young adults ravaged the body, whereas the weaker immune systems of children and middle-aged adults resulted in fewer deaths among those groups.
Thanks Twilight, I've learned something today :)
Carlisle (his surrogate father now) bit Edward, but was able to resist the urge to drink all of his blood, sparing him from death. I have a serious question about this. Why? Why did he do this? Did Carlisle know Edward beforehand? Then there's the ethics of it. Is an immortal existence really better than death? Is it really saving him? Did Edward ask for this, or was it forced upon him? It doesn't really explain any of it.
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| That's some nice sunlight reflecting off Carlisle's face there |
Apparently the Cullen family like to think of themselves as vegetarian, as they only drink animal blood. Ow, my brain, that hurts on so many levels. Edward reveals that only he has super speed and the ability to read minds, and a girl called Alice can see the future. Why can only you do this?
Also Alice's visions of the future are "subjective", meaning they can be altered if people change their minds. Ow, my brain again, there is so much stupid in this conversation. If people change their mind in the future due to the same events happening, then you cannot see the future. The only thing that could change would be due to your meddling, which we see later to not be the case. This story is trying to combine fate/determinism with free will in the most transparent way I've ever seen.
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| Alice: cause the script told her so |
"I'm going to take you to my place" 2 scenes ago you were saying how you can barely control your thirst for her, and now you want to expose her to your family? Bella asks if he thinks they'll like her. Edward points out she's more concerned about that than being eaten by vampires. Nice to know this movie does my job for me.
So Bella goes to visit the Cullen residence. Now dear reader, remember some of the great vampire homes of fiction. Castle Dracula, or perhaps Castlevania. So what does the Cullen household look like?
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| Oh boy... |
A post modern abode with lost of large windows. This just baffles me; I get it, they're trying to not attract too much attention which a castle would do, but the giant windows seem so illogical when your family turns into discoballs in sunlight.
And Edward lampshades it again, wonderful...wait...
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| Look behind Bella! |
WHAT IS THAT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS?! A CRUCIFIX?! Vampires having a crucifix in their home! I really hope I don't need to explain the problem here.
The Cullens are preparing italian food; this is so surreal, it's like I'm watching the Munsters played completely straight. After a really weird exchange of beginners Italian, we get a genuinely funny, and intentionally done so, moment.
1:33 - 1:50
I did not see it coming, nice one movie, I still laugh when re-watching that bit. I think its her face that makes it so perfect.
Alice joins the family, gives Bella a hug and declares they'll be great friends...okaaaaay... she's with Jasper, new vegetarian, remember Jasper, fish are friends not food.
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| 2 Finding Nemo references already? |
Also, apparently Edward never sleeps. Couldn't afford a coffin? While playing some classical music, Bella admits she can't dance; Edward says he could make her...creepy and potentially abusive, keep hold of this one Bella. My comment becomes literal as they jump out a window and climb up a tree because...reasons. Only at the top of the tree does Edward ask if she trusts him, no, I will not make an Aladdin reference here. Edward and Bella have some bonding time at the top of a pine tree.
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| I call this one Twiggy; he can get a bit nippy sometimes, but his bark is worse than his bite! |
And the camera cuts to Edward playing a piano, with light shining directly onto him! consistency! Then Bella joins next to him and just stares longingly at him...
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| The secret to every girl's heart is in F-Major |
Then out of the blue, a Stephenie Meyer cameo... Yeah, it's definitely her, they even say her name. Steph, honey, you're not Stan Lee, don't even go there.
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| Sadly, this is the most interesting part of this scene |
Bella has dinner at the diner with her father who's in charge of investigate the recent killings. Previous assumptions had them thinking they were animal, but now they've discovered...a human footprint! dun-dun-duuuuuun!
Later on, Bella's on the phone to her mum about finding a new place, and yet again the conversation steers to boys. I swear almost every piece of parental dialogue leans that way. She asks what he's like, and he appears in the room behind her. I see somebody saw the Dark Knight.
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| Still a better love story than Twilight |
"How did you get in?"
"The Window"
"You do that a lot?"
"Just these last couple of months...I like watching you sleep!"
D: RUN BELLA! RUN!!
But of course she doesn't, they start kissing, only for Edward to jump back saying he mustn't lose control. I'm getting really tired of your stalling movie, we all know it's going to happen, don't try to pretend it won't.
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| Can we go back to The Dark Knight now? please? |
Bella tells her father about Edward while he's cleaning his shotgun; perfect timing Bella, especially considering his one characterisation has been he's very protective of you!
Edward is taking her to play baseball with his family, they can only play during storms due to the thunderous sound of the ball and bat colliding. I daren't try to figure out the physics here, but I'm sure if the sound would be that loud upon impact, then not only would the bat shatter, but possibly every bone in the batter's hand. So they invite a human to play with them? Is this some cruel joke? Also Muse's Supermassive Blackhole starts playing, it's pretty funny how it doesn't go with what's on screen at all.
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| Definitely not shot in 3D, it's just weirdly shot. |
Midway through their game, a trio of other vampires pass through, whom I can only really describe as "The white guy, the black guy and the girl"; even for the levels Twilight had set itself, they are so one dimensional. They are the ones who committed the killings that Bella's father is looking for, and are just passing through, despite the killings taking place over days or possibly weeks. They ask to join in with the baseball, but the Cullens are afraid they'll smell Bella, which indeed happens; Edward and Bella escape in the car. The white guy, James, is a "tracker", he will hunt her down, enjoying the struggle of the chase.
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| From left to right: James, Laurent, Victoria |
Edward tells Bella that she can't go home, because James will kill her father. He then proceeds to drive her home...idiot. Sorry, there's only so many ways I can point out these characters are being stupid.
They stage a break up in front of her dad, and Bella packs for running away with Edward, and lies through her teeth about how she's leaving. He's very casual and accepting about this; he even offers to spend more time together, and she throws it in his face.
"Yeah, and if I don't get out now, I'm just going to be stuck here like mom! *Door Slams*"
...You horrid horrid girl! You just opened the wound of him losing his wife, AND left him to die at the hand of a vampire YOU led to him!!
Bella drives off, to be quickly ousted from the driver's seat by Edward. Metaphor? They arrive at the Cullen residence and Laurent (Black Vampire) is already there. He's come to warn them; has grown sick of James' games. Dude, I get that, but aren't you a vampire? Don't you have human eating urges? You aren't part of the vegetarian family. Maybe they were more developed in the book, but this defecting doesn't leave any impact when you've shown the personality of soggy potato mash.
Alice and Jasper will drive Bella south; they'd expect her to be with Edward; I see somebody else read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Rosalie asks why she should care, Carlisle says she's part of the family and they protect each other. Keep notes kids, important theme.
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| Googles "Twilight Family", gets ponies cuddling |
Alice has a vision of James "The tracker has just changed course" I thought she could see the future, not the present.
Her vision also shows a room of mirrors, the ballet hall Bella attended as a child. Nice coincidence there. Bella receives a call from home, but its James on the other end. He bargains to leave her family alone, as long as she goes to the ballet studio alone. How does he know about her ballet studio? Were there photos? Did they have directions underneath?
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| Checkpoint: Final Boss Arena reached! |
After arriving at the studio, James makes some very creepy close up statements to her. The cinematography is supposed to feel rapey, made worse by Bella's panting and moaning.
James pulls out a camera; the video will enrage Edward, making the sport more entertaining. She tries to get away using that pepperspray set up so much earlier, which does nothing to James; really? that was the big pay off for that plot point? She gets thrown against a pillar, hitting her neck hard, somehow not killing her.
Edward intevenes; arriving alone because he's the fastest. Ensues a poorly shot fight scene, Bella getting bit by James in the process.
Edward ends the fight scene by ripping out James' throat, this was a 12?! Somehow James survives, only to have his neck snapped by Alice...seriously movie, what the hell? D:
Bella's spasming on the floor as the venom affects her; Edward attempts to suck it out, but struggles to stop. Perhaps I'm missing something here, but didn't she WANT to become a vampire? Sucking her dry will kill her, so you're taking a big risk here, let alone robbing her of potential character growth.
She awakens in a hospital bed, with her mum watching over here. Edward is sleeping next to her; I thought he never sleeps. She was fed some story about falling down 2 flights of stairs and a window; did you know that gullible is not in the dictionary? Did nobody notice the BITE WOUND ON HER ARM?!
Later on, Edward wakes up and says he's leaving Bella and she starts flipping out. After all this, I'd think so too, but don't worry, he changes his mind.
So Bella and Edwards get to go to the prom together (minor subplot set up to earlier, nobody cares); she comes down the stairs in what looks like the Last Friday Night music video. This is supposed to be a happy scene movie, how about some happy music and less awkward dialogue?
Waiting outside the prom, Jacob passes on a message from his father "Break up with your boyfriend, we'll be watching you" creepyyyyy.
Bella and Edward start to dance together; she now knows how to dance. This movie has heard of set-up and pay-off but doesn't seem to understand why it exists.
Bella tries to convince Edward to change her, saying she'll grow old and die this way. He goes to her neck, and kisses it.
"Is it not enough to have a long and happy life?". In other words, watch the sequels, I hate you movie!
And that was Twilight, how was it really? On a surface level, it's on the meh side of okay. Bella and Edward are decently fleshed out, the sets are pretty memorable and it clearly hit a sweet spot with its demographic. That said, the dialogue feels unnatural, the effects are laughable, the pacing can be unbearably slow and the direction is as confused as I am.
That said, when looking at the characters and themes of the movie, it becomes a lot scarier. Bella acts as the audience avatar in her world; she's the normal girl surrounded by all the weird stuff, the everyman, or every-teenage-girl. A common trope for this in video games is to have a silent protagonist, in order to not have the audience disagree with attitudes held by the avatar. This wouldn't normally be too much of a problem, but Bella is so unlikeable as a character as to drive audience members to exacerbation, incredulity and frustration. She is self-destructive incarnate: She knows the dangers that Edward and family pose for everybody involved, but risks it all for Twue Wove, and despite every other character (family, friends, vampires, Edward) trying to convince her otherwise. In addition to that, she is hurtful to the people looking out for her, like the example of her leaving her father earlier, and a couple similar incidents with her mother. She is a horrible character, and the fact she's relatable to such a large demographic of people genuinely terrifies me.
Edward, and the vampires as a whole, are a weird bunch in this movie. When we see them, they look like a "perfect middle class family" image, rather than terrifying, blood-feasting creatures of the night. It's no secret that Stephenie Meyer is morman, and while it probably wasn't intentional, they seem more like angels than anything else. Particularly Edward being a Jesus insert; he is a supernatural being who is always there to jump in and save Bella (2 potential rapes and a car crash), constantly monitoring the ones he loves and makes sure they are safe at night ("I like watching you sleep").
The angel family idea seems even more plausible when you compare the human family, possible metaphor for non-believers; Divorced because the mother has found a new partner, and throughout the movie Bella tries to escape from mortality and become like the Cullens, potential metaphor for entering the church. Carlisle says that families protect each other, but that didn't happen with Bella's family, only with the Cullens. You'll remember that can of pepper spray that didn't work on James? Possible symbolism for how using physical measures won't defend from spiritual evils, from which the heavenly are the only protection.
Or maybe it's just a rubbishly shot and acted teen romance movie. Not the worst I've ever seen, but I wouldn't recommend it either.
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